Friday, December 31, 2010

Reflections on 2010

Wow. I cannot believe the year is almost over and I have yet to reach my goal of "catching up" on my blog. This has been a very introverted year for me... probably why my blog has been so neglected. I struggled with writing our annual Christmas letter this year. In so many ways, 2010 was really crappy. It would make for a really depressing country song. lol How can you write an upbeat Christmas letter, yet be honest about life at the same time? I hope I achieved my goal... if you received our letter, you'll have to let me know!

When I re-read some of my latest posts (from Oct/Nov), I can hardly recognize myself. This is a good thing. A VERY good thing. I have been pain-free for what seems like forever now (truly since mid-November). My medications are working properly and I've had no side effects (other than being illness prone). The details of the joint pain have faded from my memory, but the impact of the disease on my whole self (mental, physical, spiritual) has not. I am enjoying my less hectic life. It was forced upon me, but I embrace it. My commitments are few. My energy is still not 100%, but I am learning balance and how to live life without overdoing it.

I feel as if I'm in a very weird place in life. We've lived in this locale for 2 1/2 years now (can't believe it has been that long!), which is half as long as we lived in the Dallas area. Our relationships are nowhere as deep or meaningful here. We are still struggling to "fit in". We have had a lot of upheaval with our church home this past year and are searching once again for the path God wants to lead us on and the "home" to embrace.

Disconnect is the word that I most associate with right now. I've been disconnected from a church home/family, disconnected from volunteering in organizations that I care about, disconnected from others in many ways. Part of me is very happy with the depth of relationship that occurs between myself and my immediate family when we are disconnected, but the rest of me longs for the intimacy of relationships with others. I'm hoping 2011 will be a year of connection. My desire is to put down deep roots here to provide stability for my children... but right now, my instinct is to run away or flee back to our comfort zones - either closer to family or back to Dallas. To a place where people know me and love me for who I am. Once in a while, I see the glimmer of a potential friendship and that tides me over for awhile. I'm pretty sure it is called hope. Life has bogged me down. I hope that 2011 will unbog me. Only through God's grace. I certainly don't deserve it.


Jenny said...

Oh, I'm sad that you feel disconnected! We would take you back in a heart beat! However, you are where you are for a reason! Love you and miss you!

LayneBrittany said...

I am sad you feel that way too. You know I'm always here for you!!