Monday, October 11, 2010

Thoughts about RA, life and God

Do I have Rheumatoid Arthritis? 50% of people with Palindromic Rheumatism will get RA. Well, I'm not positive yet. My blood work came back indicative of RA, but I haven't gone back to the Rheumatologist yet to hear what exactly that means and what we're going to do about it. In the meantime, my joints have gotten progressively worse.
Different joints on different days, but flares have been overlapping. Most mornings, it is difficult to walk - my feet feel like platypus feet, painful to step on and won't fit into shoes very well. Some days I have a body part that just won't work right all day. Do you know how difficult it is to function without shoulders, hips or hands? This was my view this morning. As you can see, at least 3 of my fingers are extremely swollen (and painful). I am unable to make a fist with either hand today, which makes things like pouring coffee, washing my hair, driving, holding a pen, typing... difficult. I push through.
Life goes on with or without me. I refuse to allow joint pain to win.

Typing is very painful today, but also therapeutic. I don't talk about this much to anyone, so it's nice to get this off of my chest. This is probably one of those blog posts that I would rather no one read, but I feel like saying it anyway.

I struggle not with why did this happen or does God love me... but I struggle with a) how can we fix this quickly because I refuse to live the rest of my life with progressively worse pain and b) how can God use this for His glory.
I feel as if I'm letting everyone around me down.
I have held independence, reliability and activity as pillars in my life. Those pillars are being broken. I'm forced to renig on commitments. I'm forced to ask for help and become dependent on others. I'm forced to slow down. And. I. Don't. Like. It.
I'm struggling with how to fully rely on God and not feel guilty that I cannot keep up with the Amy that still lives inside this broken body. The Amy that everyone else still sees and doesn't understand that there is a difference. I'm frustrated.
I have complete faith that God can heal me. The question is: will He? I know many people that believe you can and will be healed if you have enough faith. I also know faithful Christians that have struggled and died. The only thing I know is that my God loves me, He wants the best for me and He is capable of healing me. My job is to praise Him. I'm praying for self-discipline to spend time with Him daily and not worry about others' expectations of me, because right now I don't have it. When I die, those people won't be there - it will be me and Him. Did I love Him? Did I praise Him? Did I serve Him? Do I know Him? Healed or not won't matter then.
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4 comments:

Randi~Dukes and Duchesses said...

I'm so sorry this has become such a struggle ... I hate that you're dealing with this. You're in my prayers.

Elizabeth said...

Hi Amy, I have been right where you are and you are absolutely right! No one else will be there when you stand face to face with your Creator! I went through all of the same struggles.....Keep your eyes focused on Him and Him alone. I love you and miss you and I am praying for you! :)

Jenny said...

Ugh!! Just getting caught up on blogs. So sorry all of this has been going on. And on top of it, your sweet MIL has been in the hospital. Wishing I could give you a big hug!

Amy said...

Amy, I am just peeking at your blog for the first time in a while. I am so sorry that you have been struggling with this! I am praying that the Lord will heal you and give you strength as you wait on Him. Love you.